Anxiety or Anger or…?

Is this face anxious or angry. Okay it's angry. Run for your liiiiiiives!

Is this face anxious or angry? Okay it’s angry. Run for your liiiiiiives!

Anxiety or Anger? What is the difference?

Tonight I am wondering if maybe all my life I’ve been so angry it’s incapacitated me, instead of anxious. I know that it’s rarely that simple. Still, maybe anger is a big part of my anxiety. How will I get rid of it?

From what I’m learning, I won’t be getting rid of any part of me any time soon. There is a circuit set up in my brain, of neurons that extend their spindly dendrites all around, a circuit of…strong, unpleasant emotions. Anxiety, doubt, anger, whatever it is  – it’s a loop that’s been played over and over, most likely since I was a little girl.

Perhaps I only allowed all these feelings to manifest outwards as anxiety. Perhaps in a different life circumstance it would have manifested as anger, and then I would have become a skilled female UFC champion instead, haha.

But maybe allowing all the negativity out only as anxiety felt like the safest thing. Maybe I latched onto ‘anxious’, decided to put my feelings there, because then I could keep them safely around me, keep them from ever becoming anything else because to my mind, letting them out in any other way would hurt people around me.

I’ve spent so much of my life trying not to hurt people around me, but in doing that – I think I’ve hurt myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not violent. But that is the problem, isn’t it? I’m violent to myself, in this subtle way, in this anxiety.

I’m going to keep these loops in mind (do I have a choice? Haha).

Oh and as promised, here is one. *TRIGGER WARNING*

Oh, and for the love of God, don’t ever believe any of these things I say to myself! Even reading this makes me shake my head..at myself.

1. I woke up not anxious today – yay!

2. Maybe I’ve been faking anxiety all along, maybe I’m just using it to justify things I do wrong, to avoid responsibility

3. I’m only ever ‘doing it right’ if I’m miserable

4. I don’t deserve for things to go right so why would they?

5. I’m getting anxious

6. I’m wasting time!

7. I want to go to yoga/the gym it would probably help!

8. I can’t, I’m not working hard enough

9. I don’t deserve it

10. I’m going to read some articles on the internet, make my brain go numb awhile, this is a relief

11. I’m wasting time and I can’t stop!

fin.

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6 Comments

    • Thanks so much Amber!:) So, I’ve been trying for a long time to get the right kind of help, but there have been..dead ends. Recently I mentioned that my homework in therapy that has been more productive (the first time I’ve had CBT) was to try to identify the steps, the individual thoughts, in the trains of thought that make me feel anxious, and I thought it might help someone else to post it and hopefully how my perspective changes over time 🙂

  1. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
    And just a side note, yoga (and the gym) really help, especially yoga because it’s all about being in the moment and controlling your breathing. And of course you deserve it! I know it’s hard to see but all of us (even “normal” people) deserve to have some time spent on themselves 🙂

  2. Pingback: What drives your anxiety? | Anxiety and the Girl

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