What drives your anxiety?

About a week ago I posted about an exercise I had to do outlining thought loops: https://anxietyandthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/anxiety-or-anger-or/

I did this, over and over, for a few days. I wasn’t sure where it had gotten me, until sitting in the therapist’s office waiting my turn, I felt the pull to write again. Each person may come to something different individually. However, this is what I wrote.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Is my anxiety always something that makes me avoid things that would be beneficial to do, a negative presence in my life, or is it ever something that keeps me away from things that are bad for me? Does my anxiety ever push me to do things that are hard and bad for me because I believe I deserve for my life to be hard?

I DESERVE FOR MY LIFE TO BE HARD. THAT’S THE ONLY WAY I’LL EVER BE GOOD. 

Is that true? I’m pretty sure that thought is anxiety fueled.

“You can do what is right or what is easy”, so the saying goes.

That doesn’t leave a lot of room for hope for a good life, does it? But that’s what I’m left with at my core. Do something hard, do something that destroys me, then I can finally be ‘good’. Then I can finally have relief – because that is all I think I deserve – relief, not joy. Then for once I haven’t been a bad person.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Alrighty. So here we finally have come to the crux of the issue. My brains make my life pretty hard because for so very long, I’ve believed I deserve to be unhappy, to be unhappy forever. There are reasons for this outside of myself that are not fair to discuss here, for fear of violating others’ privacy. But – my prison was built brick by brick, and now I will disassemble it the same way.

photo (3)

As you can see, she was not the first to recommend this. Sticky note pasted into the front of my diary by my boyfriend. I may not always believe it – but I am always grateful.

As sensuousamberville  advised (thank you!), I will repeat affirmations every single day to help myself reverse this harmful belief. 

I will continue taking my medicine (even if I must search for the rest of the day to find it in my room – oops.)

I have two ‘next orders of business’ in therapy – I’m supposed to do fun stuff. This is homework again, haha. I’m supposed to do what I want because I deserve to try to be happy, and this is hard to wrap my mind around. Hopefully those affirmations help!

Next…my therapist is going to hypnotize me. I KNOW I KNOW. This is strange new territory. Don’t worry, I will let you know how that goes.

Am I pursuing anything else by myself? Sure! I have three things I have put my mind to trying, neither of which I’m entirely sure will happen.

1. Create routines for myself. I have a huge amount of trouble with this and welcome any help.

2. Create a support group in my area. Perhaps this will help with point 1! 🙂

3. Get a doctor’s referral to…a neurofeedback clinic. Have you heard of this? How do you feel about it? Here is the wiki page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurofeedback

– C.

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