I once joked about how my anxiety always seeps out, one way or another. That it’s almost like a game – something’s gotta give, so what’s it going to be?
Whether it was Irritable Bowel symptoms, heartburn, vitamin deficiencies and sleepless nights from too much coffee and too many forgotten meals, lower back pain, or, finally, a generalized anxiety disorder.
I joked in a self-deprecating way, as though this anxiety was a plague that had been brought down upon me for unknowable reasons. As though it was a mysterious affliction, an unsolvable puzzle. But as physical pain co-mingled with emotional pain this morning, I realized yet another thing.
Back pain, IBS, heartburn, the anxiety disorder and any number of other symptoms are, bewilderingly, just that – symptoms.
Sure, the anxiety can be treated with therapy, love, medicine. There are supplements that can reduce my IBS symptoms (for me, they are called Align http://www.aligngi.ca/align-FAQ). Becoming vegetarian eliminated the heartburn. Sure, physiotherapy reduces my back pain if I am diligent with it.
Returning to the anxiety disorder, different therapies and approaches have helped me to psychologically handle a pain that comes hand in hand with my daily life.
So, what is the problem? Have you guessed?
I believe the problem is that there must be a painful stimulus in my life, which infuses my life with this medusa of difficulties, a new head popping up as soon as another is chopped off – a new symptom appearing as soon as the last is under control.
I’ve been treating my symptoms, even trying to improve my mental health in the face of this danger so as to better wrangle it. However – I believe – the cause remains.
I am living a painful life, and until I had a psychological disorder I accepted that – I could endure the physical pain of it. My whole being is rejecting the life I am leading, and I cannot keep ignoring that.
What must change, which path will I follow? I have a feeling I must already know, deep down, but it will be another while before I discover the answer.