To Breathe for a Second – A self esteem post.

LighthouseToday, I looked at the way I present myself, differently. I’ve been thinking about how I present myself, what it means, and how it affects my life going forward, when I make a decision to present myself a certain way..

We can make ourselves mediocre, on purpose. Or worse, we can try and make ourselves invisible, to blend into our beige pants, to have our pallor match our dried hair, willing ourselves to disappear.

When you hurt,  invisible is better than being visible and yourself. Invisibility, it dulls your shame. Feeling mediocre – it numbs your soul, your inaction matched only by the stillness in your head, that blessed nothingness. Your painful thoughts, they finally slow.

Now imagine, if you will, that I’m not just talking about clothes, I’m talking about greeting others, making conversation, taking a shower, exercising, doing something I love.
All abandoned. You don’t feel you deserve it.

You are wearing all black, and your hair is dull. It isn’t a coincidence, or a fashion statement – though it could be for someone else. You don’t talk to people at work – and it is not because you have important studies on my mind, or because you are painfully shy.

No, this is different, and I know I’m not the only one that this is happening to.

– C.

To Breathe for a Second

I usually laugh it off
but
today I stopped laughing
because
I don’t love myself enough
to pick myself up,
no,
I put myself down!

For the surge of relief,
to breathe
if only for a second.

Mediocrity,
just as I expected.

Mediocrity,
just as I deserve.

I think.

Just as I deserve,
I repeat
to myself
and in the process,
damage my own soul,
senselessly.

Invisible,
means no one else can see,
the monster
that is me.

The slug
that is me.

And I deny
my beautiful humanity.

So walk the other way,
please
walk towards the light and
celebrate your
beautiful
humanity.

Because I wait
and I pray
for someone to come save me
to take away the voice I battle
not good enough
don’t deserve
don’t have worth.

But I pick up myself,
instead,
again.

And I hope
tomorrow is a beautiful day
when
I won’t
wake up,
look at my bare, naked reflection
and clothe myself in mediocre.

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