Is this face anxious or angry? Okay it’s angry. Run for your liiiiiiives!
Anxiety or Anger? What is the difference?
Tonight I am wondering if maybe all my life I’ve been so angry it’s incapacitated me, instead of anxious. I know that it’s rarely that simple. Still, maybe anger is a big part of my anxiety. How will I get rid of it?
From what I’m learning, I won’t be getting rid of any part of me any time soon. There is a circuit set up in my brain, of neurons that extend their spindly dendrites all around, a circuit of…strong, unpleasant emotions. Anxiety, doubt, anger, whatever it is – it’s a loop that’s been played over and over, most likely since I was a little girl.
Perhaps I only allowed all these feelings to manifest outwards as anxiety. Perhaps in a different life circumstance it would have manifested as anger, and then I would have become a skilled female UFC champion instead, haha.
But maybe allowing all the negativity out only as anxiety felt like the safest thing. Maybe I latched onto ‘anxious’, decided to put my feelings there, because then I could keep them safely around me, keep them from ever becoming anything else because to my mind, letting them out in any other way would hurt people around me.
I’ve spent so much of my life trying not to hurt people around me, but in doing that – I think I’ve hurt myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not violent. But that is the problem, isn’t it? I’m violent to myself, in this subtle way, in this anxiety.
I’m going to keep these loops in mind (do I have a choice? Haha).
Oh and as promised, here is one. *TRIGGER WARNING*
Oh, and for the love of God, don’t ever believe any of these things I say to myself! Even reading this makes me shake my head..at myself.
1. I woke up not anxious today – yay!
2. Maybe I’ve been faking anxiety all along, maybe I’m just using it to justify things I do wrong, to avoid responsibility
3. I’m only ever ‘doing it right’ if I’m miserable
4. I don’t deserve for things to go right so why would they?
5. I’m getting anxious
6. I’m wasting time!
7. I want to go to yoga/the gym it would probably help!
8. I can’t, I’m not working hard enough
9. I don’t deserve it
10. I’m going to read some articles on the internet, make my brain go numb awhile, this is a relief
11. I’m wasting time and I can’t stop!