A few nights ago, I told boyfriend leave my house. By yelling, repeatedly.
Go, Please just go.
Very understandably, boyfriend couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that I really
wanted felt the need to hurt myself. What I wanted was to find a way to make that miserable urgency go away. What he saw was that I was it hurting, and he wanted to help. I know how important it is to him, to be able to help somehow.
I told him the only thing he could do to help is to please call someone for me. He seemed upset; he was upset. He thought we would be able to solve this, just the two of us. He thought it was just an argument. I told him I’d find a way to help solve the argument tomorrow but for now I needed to talk to someone because something else was going on. I didn’t care about the argument anymore, didn’t care about much anymore except for the single-minded urge to go numb.
He left, thank goodness for both of us, and I called a helpline, and finally fell asleep when Charlotte curled up beside me, warm fluff nestled against my fatigued figure.
Here’s what they said on the helpline. Don’t worry about anyone else tonight. Tonight just worry about yourself. Go through your evening routine, then go to bed. You need to do what’s best for you right now, and deal with the rest later.
The way I had felt was nothing like my normal state of mind. It was a numbing, a loss of hope, an inevitability. An instinct of sorts kicking in – maybe it’s fight, flight, freeze, float away? I floated away, the feisty me. And I wanted to give in, because I mistakenly thought it best.
It wouldn’t have been best.
Actually, it would have been the worst. A friend told me recently,
Life is too short to cash your own check.
And I believe it, 100%. But the truth is that I don’t know what happened the other night, and I’m well – scared to death.
Stay safe everyone. And never hesitate to ask for help – whether it’s from a 24-hour phone line, a best friend, a relative. In the worst, saddest moment, help is still out there. Hope is still out there.
Note: I thought for a long time about whether this was the right thing to publish here. There is always a choice about what parts of your life to include or not on a blog. But I write here to feel less alone and to help others feel less alone, and I believe this post does that. Thanks for reading!