On Running Away

I’ve been thinking a lot this summer, writing a lot privately, and talking to friends and family.

I’ve come to a few realizations, and so I thought I would share in case they help you, too. When I look back on my life, I see that I’ve felt the worst, and been in most danger from the hauntings of my deep seated sadness and fear, when I felt trapped. Helpless. Hurting myself has often been my way of trying to “run away”.

So here’s a thought. Why don’t I simply…run away? I have two feet and a good head on my shoulders. No, I’m not going to go missing, don’t worry! I am just going to take some things into my own hands, even if others around me don’t approve. What is more important – pleasing others, or my own sanity? For once, I actually think it might be the latter.

I’m “running away”. I’m doing it for me. The risk of staying where I am has finally grown greater than the risk of moving forward. Wish me luck!

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Peace.

DSC02017What I’m looking for is peace.

I love the stuff. When I’m at peace, I can help myself and help others. I can push myself forward, delighting in accomplishments big and small. I can push others forward, getting as much pleasure from their successes as from my own.

I enjoy life. Is anything as beautiful as a walk by yourself when you are at peace? Or lunch with friends? The SKY is the limit forĀ a person at peace. With anxiety, it can feel like a low dingy roof is the limit instead.

So. How to knock down that dingy smelly old roof?

I will try and figure it out. Maybe you are trying too.

I am here, and I understand.