Wish I didn’t know the meaning of…

Fear
by One Republic

Lyrics:

No sleep today
Can’t even rest when the sun’s down
No time, there’s not enough
And nobody’s watching me now

When we were children we’d play
Out in the streets just dipped in fate
When we were children we’d say
That we don’t know the meaning of..

Fear, fear, fear
Fear, fear, fear
We don’t know the meaning of..

When we were children we’d play
Out in the streets just dipped in fate
When we were children we’d say
That we don’t know the meaning of

Fear, fear, fear
Fear, fear, fear
We don’t know the meaning of..

Wish I didn’t know the meaning of..

(Songwriters Tedder, Ryan)

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Day 8 – David Suzuki 30 x 30 Nature Challenge

This glorious image speaks for itself, haha.

This glorious image speaks for itself, haha.

Day 8 saw my 30 minutes of nature time spent on a walk to downtown with boyfriend. These hilarious, interesting, and sweet titles were purchased for de-stressing in the next few days. “I could pee on this” by Francesco Marciuliano is a gift for boyfriend’s parents to give thanks for all the nice dinners they took me out for while they were in town. They have cats.

Excerpts HERE at the author’s wordpress 😀

Are fuzzy animals not your idea of stress relief? They sure are mine, and I wish I spent more time around them. Maybe I will do shelter dog walking next year? 🙂 Do YOU make time and space in your life for ‘pet therapy’?

Day 3,4,5,6? – David Suzuki 30 x 30 Nature Challenge

Many of my nature 30 minutes these past have been just walks around town running errands. Yesterday, it was watching gorgeous fireworks. I hope you have the opportunity to watch a fireworks show or two this summer (or set up your own!)! It is such a pleasure.

Another shot of those magnolias on my walk home. Just for good measure.

Another shot of those magnolias on my walk home. Just for good measure.

Day 2 – David Suzuki 30 x 30 Nature Challenge

robin's egg

We found this in the garden. The little robin inside hatched and here is the lovely little souvenir it left behind.

I went home for the weekend, and spent my 30 minutes in nature gardening with my mom. We filled up a chin-high paper bag of dandelions! 

I saw my own two hands doing something productive and enjoyable. I relaxed. The simple pleasure of a relaxing moment can mean so much when you’ve spent some time in the thick of anxiety! If there is anything good about my mental health issue, maybe it’s becoming able to appreciate the beauty of mental health, of all the parts of my miraculous brain working in harmony. To know that even the worst anxiety is just my body trying to protect me. To discover that I really do care about myself, after all.

Maybe this challenge is nature meditation for the spazzed-out city girl brain? All I know is, it was deliciously springy – the highlight of my day…again! 

David Suzuki 30 x 30 Nature Challenge

Magnolia

Is there anything lovelier than a solitary walk on a beautiful day? Some days it’s hard to enjoy, but if you can, join me and get out to nature 🙂
I will be doing the David Suzuki 30 x 30 Challenge for the rest of this month, by spending 30 minutes a day in nature, every day. Sign up here!

http://30×30.davidsuzuki.org/

PS. My favourite thing about magnolia is the gorgeous way it flowers before anything else. This tree brightened my day!
PPS. Magnolias were around when dinosaurs roamed planet Earth. Fact.

Morning and Day Anxiety

DSC02160

It’s 3:55 am, and everything is very still.

My de-stress playlist* is playing gently.

My boyfriend is over, dozing nearby, so kindly, so peacefully, just keeping me company. It’s been a fun day, an unproductive day – you might say. I am behind in school. I am behind on all my courses, with doctor’s notes for the anxiety.

And usually? I feel SUPER MEGA EXTREME GUILT SUPREME about this situation.

But not tonight.

Because tonight? Tonight I got a little thrill from organizing a paragraph in one of my papers that is due. I am a person who loves learning, and lately my anxiety had stripped all of that joy of my school experience, had made of it an impossible test, a loaded die made so that I cannot win. That little thrill means that maybe spending my days purposefully relaxing and trying to reconnect with friends and exercise ARE what I’m supposed to be doing right now. Not a shameless indulgence, a necessary health practice. Maybe I’m getting a little bit of what I lost of myself back.

This morning was rough. I woke up and I didn’t want to get out of bed at all. Through some magic and trickery I did, and – it does work! If you can get out of bed and brush your teeth, the next step – breakfast, work, class, a date with a friend – is never as hard as it seemed before you got out of bed. Another little trick I tried today was dares with myself. “A sad girl doesn’t make smoothies,” I dared, then smugly whipped one up. “A sad girl doesn’t do all the dishes in the sink!”. Then most outrageously, “A sad girl doesn’t wear polka dot pants!!”

I shivered and slid them on, tearing my eyes away from my very cozy sad day sweat pants.

I looked at the clock. It was just before noon. Not bad! I thought. Okay, not sad girl. Time to make that phone call to that course coordinator. It will be okay, I reasoned with myself, a sad girl would have trouble with this – but that’s not who you’re going to be today.

And call I did. But my voice came out small, confused. I was easily torn down, reading so much into the smallest remark, the tiniest hint of negativity was a dagger through me. I got off the phone as quickly as I could, promising to call back.

The anxiety was at full tilt and it was inescapable. I made phone call after phone call. Mom, boyfriend, R., boyfriend, Mom, Mom, MOM. Please call me, please, please, please, I texted my boyfriend as I shifted back into a terrible loop of thoughts, all ending in worthless. I headed to an emergency appointment with a crisis counselor in the community because I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think anything good, anything helpful.

And it helped. She’s calling me in two days to check in.

Then I had lunch with one dear friend, dinner with two others. Had cups of tea and pretended to do homework and giggled at everything.

And just like I’ve been told, feelings and actions go hand in hand. I had fun – and now I can make a step of progress towards this smelly old paper.

Everything will be alright, I remember.

So now I’ll look over this outline. Then I’ll sleep on it, and maybe have ideas for the paragraphs in the morning.

The human mind can do wonderful things, if you are kind to it.

*songza app playlist called Sleepytime Acoustic Guitar, I meditate to it, it’s got such a lovely soft rolling feel to it! Try it out 🙂